Creativity

Writing about not writing

/ boz bozeman / 3 Comments

I didn’t want to write about not writing. But the only thing I can think about is why I’m not writing. Why my creativity is not creativating. Why my brain is so tired that the thought of writing makes it nap time.

Why am I not writing? Mostly, it’s this school year. It has been very difficult for numerous reasons, but as a professional I’m not going to list them. Suffice to say that it has been rough. It’s only been recently that I felt I was overcoming some of the challenges I’m facing. The process has made me stronger, which makes me confident that I will feel more creative energy. That and SUMMER IS COMING!

Being in pain for a year before her hip surgery was really hard on Patty, of course. We are intertwined, so it was also very difficult to me to see her struggling, and we both were bummed that we couldn’t do the active things we like to do.

Patty is better now! So that burden has been laid down, and the energy from it is starting to return.

On the positive side, we had “Step into the Spring” at work, which is a school wide step challenge. So I spent the month of April doing as much activity as possible. Being an active teacher, taking Anna for longer walks, and doing a lot of yard work. And the yard looks GOOD.

Oh, and I won.

Very positive, but obviously tiring. Coupled with a day of teaching, the physical and mental drain made it more difficult to get writing.

But I’m back! I mean I have a website – gotta be a responsible blogger!

Editing as Microcosm

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I am hopefully getting near the end of the editing my first book of poetry titled Self of Steam. I am seeing this process as a microcosm of who I am creatively, and even in other parts of my life.

Each step mirrors how I work. Let’s go to a bulleted list to illustrate my point:

  • Hit with the enthusiasm for a project, I begin with full engagement, passion and energy. I will get a great deal done in a short amount of time.
  • Even when the fire cools a little, I am still caught by the glimmering possibility that is calling me from the still distant end. I work with determination, and look forward to building more.
  • The enthusiasm wears off, but my work ethic and ability to focus takes over.
  • I hit a major roadblock. Though I wrestle with it, it saps my energy and determination.
  • I begin to avoid the work.
  • I feel guilt for avoiding the work.
  • I return to the work, but the frustration is still there.
  • I finally get past the avoidance and frustration, and I get past the regret.
  • Project gets finished.
  • I wonder why I had to fight it so long, which somewhat mars the satisfaction of completing it.

This is the stage I am at with this website. I feel guilty about not posting, but I am a little overwhelmed by the prospect of keeping it going for a long time. Indeed, I am writing this more out internal pressure than any creative spark.

But this last part isn’t really so bad. I have learned about my capacity to create even if I don’t feel creative. This lesson may just take the place of some of the frustrations of my process.

Someday.

Tao Lesson #1

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I thought I’d share some of my favorite passages from Tao Te Ching and add a commentary about why they are important to me.

Here’s the first:

The Tao is like a well:
Used but never used up.
It is like the eternal void:
Filled with infinite possibilities.

This passage always leads me to two places: energy and creativity.

Whenever I am low on energy, I remember this lesson. All the energy, power or inspiration I need is already there, inside me. The question is: will I tap into this energy, or let the drowsy feelings of being tapped out decide for me?

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You Got This

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I started noticing these painted stones on hikes during the pandemic. The messages were always encouraging, sometimes heartwarming, sometimes funny. I loved the sense I got of the person behind them: empathic, positive, artistic and creative.  

Though it is only a painted stone, for a moment I felt connected to someone else, a person who wished me well, just as I did them. This is an important feeling to have, and these stones genuinely helped me on my way. 

I’m happy someone is still painting them. We still need these messages of hope and solace.