Dear Ask Boz

What is Charlie Brown’s sister named?

You probably are thinking of Sally, Charlie’s well-known sister. But what you don’t know is that there is another: Charlene Brown.

Charlie Brown’s father tried to hide it, but his son was a terrible disappointment to him. He never knew a young person could be so anxious and so bad a everything. It was clear right away that Charlie was destined to be a failure. And his father felt helpless to do anything about it.  

Until he came upon the obvious solution: start a second family. Mr. Brown created the identity “Johnny Teal”, and found a woman on the internet. Soon they were married, and his secret wife gave birth to a girl. They named her Charlene, and they raised her to be the exact opposite of the half-brother she would never know.  

Charlene excelled at everything Charlie failed at. She became a feared hitter in baseball, and a fearsome pitcher. She was dominant in her relationship with her peers, and they respected her to the utmost, while craving her attention and approval. And as far as successfully kicking a football, well, we’ll let this excerpt from Charlene Brown, the first nine years tell that story: 

Charlene takes two steps back and one to her left. Her friend Lou von Furr calmly places the football on the ground, puts his finger on the puckered tip of the ball, and turns the laces away. Her eyes raise to the target, then drop to the ball. Charlene Brown stutter steps, planting her left foot as her right leg swings back. Her foot punches through the ball, and her legs scissor up as air explodes from her mouth. She lands, slightly bent, so she is the same height as Lou coming up from his crouch. They end up with arms around each other as, perfect again, the ball flips high through the uprights. 

From the sideline, Charlene’s father, pride shining on his face, can’t contain his excitement, exclaiming, “Whhoomp wooowhomp waaaaaahh wont want woooooooh!” 

All of Mr. Brown’s hopes for the future are focused on his secret daughter. He knows that Charlie will live at home forever, claiming to be a competitive esports gamer while leaching off his parents. Charlene promises the possibility of success and riches, or at least not endless disappointment.  

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