Doug’s Teeth

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When I was 6 I had this friend Doug. One winter day while we were sledding, one of his teeth fell out. It was the first time this happened to him, and he started bawling. He had the tooth in his hand and his mouth was bleeding. His mom came running down the hill, fell once and slid, got back up, crouched down in front of him and held him. 

The next day, before we could make fun of him, he flashed some green at us. A dollar! We were all impressed. No one got nearly that much from the Tooth Fairy. I only got 10 cents. This was the 1970’s, so a dollar was a lot of money for a kid. My mom was there, and she said “Wow! The best of both worlds. You get a dollar and the tooth will grow back.” Doug’s eyes got wide. He didn’t know teeth grew back. 

The next day Doug reported that he lost another tooth. And it kept happening. I started watching him at school. His fingers were always in his mouth. He was wiggling his teeth to get them loose.  

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Black Helicopters

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What are all these black helicopters doing here? 

Ah, the mysterious black helicopter. I’m sure you are expecting me say that it’s the government spying on you. Do they want to know what you watch on Netflix, or why you chose Olive Garden over Chilis? 

No! In fact, black helicopters have nothing to do with the government. They are actually the vehicle of choice for the modern angel. They no longer fly around with white robes and wings. Angels are surprisingly modern and fashion conscious, and robes and wings are sooooo Renaissance. Black helicopters are totally edgy and cool, and they give your average angel the kind of powers once reserved for Archangels like Gabriel, Michael, and Gandalf. These powers include, but aren’t limited to: 

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Neandertal-American

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My whole life, I’ve wanted an ethnic identity that goes along with being American. My friends are Italian-American, Mexican-American, African-American, Irish-American. But no glorious hyphen for me. I’m just American.   

Don’t get me wrong. Being American is great. But what’s more American than having something great and wanting even more? 

I was always jealous that my friends had an additional culture and all that goes with it. Delicious food, traditional music, unique and colorful clothes. Ancient traditions that are still alive today. Generational connections that span years and lifetimes. Challenging and dangerous liquors like Grappa, Rakija, Ouzo and Tequila. 

Though this always bothered me, I gave up hoping it would change. That is until I took a DNA test. When it came back, I scanned through all the different places my mongrel DNA is from. Nothing I could claim as my own. But then, there it was: I am 3% Neandertal! 

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The Garlic Press

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For its mechanical ferocity 

Consider the garlic press:  

The most aggressive kitchen tool 

More violent than the tenderizer. 

Peel the transparent husk 

Push the shiny bulb 

Down into the cup 

Pressing its arched back 

Over the grid of holes 

Line up the plunger – 

Hinged silver block 

Created to crush – 

Grip the handles 

Squeeze  

Pressing the bulb into the screen 

Pushing past its initial resistance 

Until it breaks 

Garlic pulps through holes 

Splattering in shafts  

Splashing into the dish. 

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Dear Ask Boz

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Are guinea pigs edible? 

Some, but not all, guinea pigs are edible. As a start, the Idiots Guide to Eating Guinea Pigs is a useful resource. However, if you are impatient, here are a few ways to tell if an individual guinea pig is edible.  

You should eat a guinea pig if: 

  1. You stumble upon a guinea pig that has been cooked and prepared with a nice side of vegetables.  
  1. The guinea pig is wearing an “eat me” shirt. These are usually alienated guinea pigs, freshly out of a Masters of Fine Arts program, trying to ironically attack the prevailing paradigm. Thus, the best thing to do to them is to eat them, thereby unironically ridding the world of a sullen and over-thinking “jerk pig.” However, never touch a guinea pig wearing a “barely edible” shirt.  
  1. The guinea pig is baring its teeth and frothing at the mouth. Rabid guinea pigs are a delicacy in most civilized countries and Canada.  

Hope this helps! Don’t sue me if you actually follow this advice; sue yourself! 

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