Dear Ask Boz – Periodic Table

If you could be any element on the periodic table, which one and why?


OK let me take a look at the chart. Mmmm. Let’s see. I’ll let you know my thinking about it and make a choice about which one I will be.

  • Well, there’s Krypton, and I coulda used it in the 90’s, but Clark stopped bullying me a while back so I don’t really need that. 
  • Ohh! Fermium!! Reminds me of Fermi High School, which was the cross-town rival of Enfield High where I went. And this one time in a 5K race this kid wanted to beat me so badly that I kept pushing him until he ran off the track and got sick! It’s terrible how good that made me feel! So Fermium has a chance. 
  • I like Tantalum. It sounds like an element needed to make every Greek tragedy.  
  • No, you’re a Boron! 
  • Not Aluminum, of course, but why do the British pronounce it “AL- You – Mini-Umm” Like, blokes, there’s no “I”. Don’t Over-British, please.  
  • Scandium sounds like a show where all the scandals are happening live in a stadium. “Tonight, on Scandium: The Kardashians vs the Duggars.”
  • I pretty sure Yttriam is a really obscure Tolkien character. His besty was Ytterbium. Tolkien references always stand a chance.
  • Whelp, Moscovium didn’t age well, did it?
  • Americium? Really? EWWW 
  • I could be a bro that says “What’s up Bromine?” I like that, being an aficionado of the double entendre. Like it’s “bro” and “bro of mine”.
  • That had a chance until I saw:
  • It’s gotta be Dubnium! Sounds like a place people are dubbing music and doing the dub step and getting W’s for wins. And you know I’m all about getting those dubs! And I can be Dub of Dubnium!

Thanks for asking


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