Dear Ask Boz,

How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

Ask Boz researched several famous Woodchucks and came up with these answers: 

Wood Chuck Norris – Wood Chuck Norris wouldn’t only chuck wood, he’d kick wood’s bark. He wouldn’t feel bad for wood, either, like you would, you namby-pamby. He’d kick your bark, too, for sure, even if he had to glue some bark to you first.

Senator Woodchuck Schumer – Has put a committee together to look into the crisis in chucked wood, with special emphasis on regulating the after-chuck market. 

Wood Chuck E Cheese – Wood Chucky E Cheese made every effort to cooperate with our investigation. We agreed with his lawyers that there needed to be parameters to clearly define how much wood Wood Chuck E Cheese would chuck if Wood Chuck E Cheese would chuck wood. The following are the key agreements reached: 

  • It was agreed that “wood” would be defined as a log no longer than two feet and no greater than a half-foot in diameter. 
  • A “chuck” would be defined as any toss of an approved piece of wood that reached or exceeded three feet. 

Chuck E signed a contract stating that he “would chuck wood.” Chuck E began chucking wood, but was dismayed to realize that there was no time limit to the chucking period. Chuck E has now been chucking wood for forty-two consecutive days. His lawyers are attempting to work in an amendment or an addendum that would stipulate a time limitation on how much any given woodchuck would have to chuck wood. He has full support of the Woodchuck Union.

Wood Chuck Palahniuk – In his novel The Chuck Club, WCP writes of a main character, Charles, who has a dual personality. While Charles is afraid to chuck wood, his alter ego “Chuck” chucks wood all the time. They form a The Chuck Club, and make a First Rule: Never Tell How Much Wood You Can Chuck.

Wood Chucky does not chuck wood. He stabs it with a knife.

Wood Chuck Taylors – are shoes. How the hell can they chuck anything? What, are you stupid or something? Get out of here! 

Dear Ask Boz

What’s inside an empty box? 

Ford McGillicuddy 

Dear Ford,

Scientists, philosophers and other idiots would say that a box can’t be empty and have things inside of it. Fools! Unlike such Moron-Americans, I’m making money promoting emptiness. I am presently signing an endorsement deal with The Box Maker to promote their Empty Box Storage System. 

The EBSS is made to endure the structural stresses that come with containing nothing. Empty Box can hold everynothing, because it is designed for the rigors of holding things that have no true substance, from empty promises, to true freedom, through third parties, and beyond. 

But that’s not all!! Here are some other things you can store in Empty Box: 

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Dear Ask Boz

Dear Ask Boz,

What are the steps to replacing a windshield on a Skid Steer?  

Dear Dave,  

As you know, Dave, the steps vary widely according to model. We have listed some Skid Steer models with the basic steps to replace the windshield for each. 

  • On the X-50, simply do the following: Shift the quadrilateral O-rings to their “release” settings. This unlocks the anterial focastle, allowing the windshield to swing free. At this point, with a screwdriver or an anvil, you can remove the existing windshield. To install the new windshield, simple reverse the previous steps, ending with the quadrilateral O-rings at the “acceptance” setting. 
  • The X-373 features the “bio-organixshield” windshield. The windshield is a living thing, and will replicate itself. So just be patient, especially if it’s cold out. 
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B is for Bear part 2

Click here to read part 1

The boss hands me the chalk and some gloves and I walk over to the first one.  About a foot long, brown, curly hair, black nose.  Typical.  Abrasions on one of its stubby little legs.  One ear torn, and it doesn’t look like it was because of contact with the road.  One of its button eyes is hanging out by just a thread.  I already know I’m going to see the same things on the other ones.  Trust me, after you see a couple of GI Joes with their arms in the leg holes, or a couple of My Little Ponies with their tails lopped off and their personalized insignias perverted, the little stars made into pentagrams and the little hearts made into intricately and minutely drawn images of unsuccessful coronary bypasses, you get to where you can spot a pattern before you even see it repeated. 

I look up and I see some rookie cop throwing up on the concrete divider.  I’d like to say I had never been there.  I smile when he looks at me, just to let him know he’s not alone.  Sometimes lies are the best truth. 

Jack comes over to snap some pictures before I get to work.  He gives me a long look.  “Kinda like those Smurfs in New Haven back in ‘02.”  Jack’s not surprised I don’t answer.  He knows that I like to do my own thinking. 

I pull the latex gloves on with a snap at each wrist.  The boss comes over with a plastic bag.  I like the Ziplocs with the “yellow and blue make green” seal, but funding has been short lately, so I make due.   

I press gently on the bear’s belly to hold it steady and trace it out with the chalk.  Then I pick up the bear and put it in the bag.  The eye gets hooked on the top, but I get it loose before it tears off.  I try not to think about the home it could have had, the cheeks it would have solaced, the gentle, sleepy breathing it would have caused.  Those kinds of thoughts get you where there ain’t no toys, just a lot of white, and padding, and needles with sweet, soothing, liquid nothingness inside. 

The boss tells me there’s more bears up the road, but I tell him to wait a second.  I’m looking down at where the bear had been.  There, right in the middle of his white outline, is a hunk of thin plastic.  The remains of a grocery store bag.  I open up my DoTaS Investigators Crime Scene Set.  I pick it up with the tweezers.  I take out the magnifying glass and look until I spot it.  One brown hair stuck by friction to the plastic.  Nine will get you ten that that hair came from my little friend that I just bagged.  And if my hunch is right, fingerprints on the plastic will lead me to the scum who did this. 

B is for Bear – part 1

This is one of several stories I wrote that was inspired by seeing several stuffed animals that had been dumped up next to a highway divider. My curiosity was sparked, and I wrote the stories to provide an explanation for why they were there.

Name’s Lance Rimshot.  My friends call me Lance.  I work for the Department of Toys and Services.  Its friends call it “DoTaS.”  

It was Wednesday night.  Wednesday’s the night that Mom goes over to Edna’s for cards.  Those ladies like to play late, so I stayed up until she came home, watching rented movies.  You don’t need to know what kind. 

Later I was asleep.  The phone rang and I was awake.  It was three AM on the clock next to the phone.  It was the old kind of clock with the white numbers that click when they flip.  But you don’t need to know that.   

It was the boss.  I did some quick calculations.  At this hour, it couldn’t be an intervention with some girl to explain why Barbie looked so much different from mommy.  Or some pale little hombre who had been spending so much time killing aliens in a game that he had told his father that he wanted to move to a different “mod” so he could get more “frags.”  No, this one was going to be different. 

“Lance,” the boss says.  “We need you on I-84 West between exits 29 and 30, where it slices through Hartford.  Pronto.” 

Continue reading

Ask Boz – Taco vs Grilled Cheese part 1

Dear Ask Boz, 

Which would win in a fight, a taco or a grilled cheese sandwich?  
Dear Adam, 
Your question couldn’t have come at a better time, since the Ask Boz Food Anthropology Institute has just finished a ten-year study on this very issue. 

First, our researchers split the question in two, seeing there are two distinct species of taco: the hard shell and the soft shell. Then we matched each in a fight against the grilled cheese. Here is what we found: 

  • Hard Shell (Duro Putamine) vs. Grilled Cheese (Rhoncus Caseus) 
    Because these two species don’t exist together in the wild, our experiments were conducted in controlled environments. 
    The results were consistently and sadly predictable. The hard-shelled taco proved extremely vulnerable to even the softest blow from the grilled cheese. The smallest crack in the shell would expand to deadly proportions the next time the taco made the slightest offensive move. 
    One grilled cheese could take on as many as twelve hard tacos at a time without a problem. Although one taco would bravely expose itself as a target while the others surrounded the grilled cheese and beat on it, the grilled cheese was so durable that it could withstand multiple attacks while patiently cracking shell. 
    You see, a grilled cheese easily absorbs punches, and even when stretched out maintains its basic integrity. 
    In fact, this experiment had to be suspended when the grilled cheese refused to continue fighting. They are a very empathic sandwich. Even then, the meat grease would make the shell all soggy and it would fall apart on its own. 
    Winner: Grilled cheese 

Tomorrow: Soft-Shell Taco vs. Grilled Cheese

Ask Boz – Chicken or the Egg

Dear Ask Boz,

Chicken, egg, or other options?


The answer to “other options”? The Egg and Chicken sandwich. 

See, God had just created the Earth, and saw that it was good. He called down the angels and gave them physical form, so they could enjoy it before He made more stuff. But it turns out that anything with a body gets hungry, so God had to feed them. That’s when He made plants, but they got super-tired of roots and tubers pretty quick. And they’re allergic to nuts. 

You know how angels can complain, and God figured “I’ll just skip to making animals.” But then He’d have to slaughter them, and process them, and cook them, and He had other things to do, you know? So He just went ahead and made them chicken and egg sandwiches.  

The angels LOVED them. But they have huge appetites. So, He was spending all his time making sandwiches. 

Realizing this wasn’t sustainable, He returned the angels to their spiritual forms. Then, on the sixth day when He created animals, He created them pregnant. See, He didn’t want the first thing Adam and Eve saw to be a bunch of animals carrying on with each other. He wanted to keep them innocent. We all know how that worked out, but anyways.  

So, the answer to “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” is BOTH.  



Dear Ask Boz – Periodic Table

If you could be any element on the periodic table, which one and why?


OK let me take a look at the chart. Mmmm. Let’s see. I’ll let you know my thinking about it and make a choice about which one I will be.

  • Well, there’s Krypton, and I coulda used it in the 90’s, but Clark stopped bullying me a while back so I don’t really need that. 
  • Ohh! Fermium!! Reminds me of Fermi High School, which was the cross-town rival of Enfield High where I went. And this one time in a 5K race this kid wanted to beat me so badly that I kept pushing him until he ran off the track and got sick! It’s terrible how good that made me feel! So Fermium has a chance. 
  • I like Tantalum. It sounds like an element needed to make every Greek tragedy.  
  • No, you’re a Boron! 
  • Not Aluminum, of course, but why do the British pronounce it “AL- You – Mini-Umm” Like, blokes, there’s no “I”. Don’t Over-British, please.  
  • Scandium sounds like a show where all the scandals are happening live in a stadium. “Tonight, on Scandium: The Kardashians vs the Duggars.”
  • I pretty sure Yttriam is a really obscure Tolkien character. His besty was Ytterbium. Tolkien references always stand a chance.
  • Whelp, Moscovium didn’t age well, did it?
  • Americium? Really? EWWW 
  • I could be a bro that says “What’s up Bromine?” I like that, being an aficionado of the double entendre. Like it’s “bro” and “bro of mine”.
  • That had a chance until I saw:
  • It’s gotta be Dubnium! Sounds like a place people are dubbing music and doing the dub step and getting W’s for wins. And you know I’m all about getting those dubs! And I can be Dub of Dubnium!

Thanks for asking


Ask Boz – Soup or Salad?

Dear Ask Boz,

Soup or salad?

Considered only second to “Chicken or the egg”, this question has been pondered through the centuries. Here’s just a sampling: 

Most people believe that the ancient Chinese yin and yang symbol represents the flow of opposites merging and seperating in a constant spinning dance of harmony. This is true, but what is under-reported is that originally it was about the flow of soup becoming salad, and then salad returning to soup. So to the Chinese, the answer to your question would be “Yes.” 

Shakespeare wrestled with this question in his little known play “Hamlet 2 – Zombie Ophelia”. Here is an excerpt from a soliloquy:  

To slurp or chew
That is the question 
Whether ‘tis healthier in the mouth to sip 
The broth and marrow of hearty soup 
Or to take a fork to a sea of vegetables 
And by chewing, eat them. 

It goes on. I mean, it’s Shakespeare. I’m pretty sure he comes down on the soup side, but it’s open to interpretation. 

Centuries later, controversial philosopher Friedrich Nietzche made his choice very clear: “There is no soup.”  

For me, though, I’m going with salad. Like the one Patty makes with the veggies, of course, but also some MEAT and CHEESE!!! Nom nom nom!