What’s inside an empty box? 

Ford McGillicuddy 

Dear Ford,

Scientists, philosophers and other idiots would say that a box can’t be empty and have things inside of it. Fools! Unlike such Moron-Americans, I’m making money promoting emptiness. I am presently signing an endorsement deal with The Box Maker to promote their Empty Box Storage System. 

The EBSS is made to endure the structural stresses that come with containing nothing. Empty Box can hold everynothing, because it is designed for the rigors of holding things that have no true substance, from empty promises, to true freedom, through third parties, and beyond. 

But that’s not all!! Here are some other things you can store in Empty Box: 

• First, the obvious: Concepts that have meaning but no actual existence, such as zero, nothing, tomorrow, the future, a Beatles reunion, stopping Rolling Stones reunions, and political discourse. 
• Are fictional worlds cluttering your mind? Just bubble-wrap Narnia, Neverland, Middle Earth, or the Confederate States of America and toss them into Empty Box! Make sure you seal the lid with nihilist packing tape!! 
• More into reality? How about a place to put all those countries that don’t exist anymore? That’s right, why not store away Czechoslovakia, Prussia, East Germany, Persia, Atlantis, and Left Carolina? There are so many non-places, you’re gonna need a bigger Empty Box! 
• Empty Box is ideally designed to contain those really huge ideas that turned out to be wrong. It can handle the Flat Earth, the Terra-centric Universe, the Helio-centric universe, the Moon landing, the Finite Universe and the XFL. 
• It can also hold the really bad ideas floated out by corporations, such as Barrel Aged Pepsi, the Polio Loco Taco and Jarts. 

Really, if you can think of it, and it doesn’t exist, you can safely stow it right in good ol’ Empty Box. 

And, since I know you personally, Ford, I can assure that Empty Box is fully capable of holding your empty, empty soul. 

Boz