advice

Dear Ask Boz,

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How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

Ask Boz researched several famous Woodchucks and came up with these answers: 

Wood Chuck Norris – Wood Chuck Norris wouldn’t only chuck wood, he’d kick wood’s bark. He wouldn’t feel bad for wood, either, like you would, you namby-pamby. He’d kick your bark, too, for sure, even if he had to glue some bark to you first.

Senator Woodchuck Schumer – Has put a committee together to look into the crisis in chucked wood, with special emphasis on regulating the after-chuck market. 

Wood Chuck E Cheese – Wood Chucky E Cheese made every effort to cooperate with our investigation. We agreed with his lawyers that there needed to be parameters to clearly define how much wood Wood Chuck E Cheese would chuck if Wood Chuck E Cheese would chuck wood. The following are the key agreements reached: 

  • It was agreed that “wood” would be defined as a log no longer than two feet and no greater than a half-foot in diameter. 
  • A “chuck” would be defined as any toss of an approved piece of wood that reached or exceeded three feet. 

Chuck E signed a contract stating that he “would chuck wood.” Chuck E began chucking wood, but was dismayed to realize that there was no time limit to the chucking period. Chuck E has now been chucking wood for forty-two consecutive days. His lawyers are attempting to work in an amendment or an addendum that would stipulate a time limitation on how much any given woodchuck would have to chuck wood. He has full support of the Woodchuck Union.

Wood Chuck Palahniuk – In his novel The Chuck Club, WCP writes of a main character, Charles, who has a dual personality. While Charles is afraid to chuck wood, his alter ego “Chuck” chucks wood all the time. They form a The Chuck Club, and make a First Rule: Never Tell How Much Wood You Can Chuck.

Wood Chucky does not chuck wood. He stabs it with a knife.

Wood Chuck Taylors – are shoes. How the hell can they chuck anything? What, are you stupid or something? Get out of here! 

Dear Ask Boz

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What’s inside an empty box? 

Ford McGillicuddy 

Dear Ford,

Scientists, philosophers and other idiots would say that a box can’t be empty and have things inside of it. Fools! Unlike such Moron-Americans, I’m making money promoting emptiness. I am presently signing an endorsement deal with The Box Maker to promote their Empty Box Storage System. 

The EBSS is made to endure the structural stresses that come with containing nothing. Empty Box can hold everynothing, because it is designed for the rigors of holding things that have no true substance, from empty promises, to true freedom, through third parties, and beyond. 

But that’s not all!! Here are some other things you can store in Empty Box: 

Continue reading →

Dear Ask Boz

/ boz bozeman / Leave a comment

Dear Ask Boz,

What are the steps to replacing a windshield on a Skid Steer?  

Dave 
 
Dear Dave,  

As you know, Dave, the steps vary widely according to model. We have listed some Skid Steer models with the basic steps to replace the windshield for each. 

  • On the X-50, simply do the following: Shift the quadrilateral O-rings to their “release” settings. This unlocks the anterial focastle, allowing the windshield to swing free. At this point, with a screwdriver or an anvil, you can remove the existing windshield. To install the new windshield, simple reverse the previous steps, ending with the quadrilateral O-rings at the “acceptance” setting. 
  • The X-373 features the “bio-organixshield” windshield. The windshield is a living thing, and will replicate itself. So just be patient, especially if it’s cold out. 
Continue reading →

Ask Boz – Taco vs Grilled Cheese part 1

/ boz bozeman / Leave a comment

Dear Ask Boz, 

Which would win in a fight, a taco or a grilled cheese sandwich?  
Adam 
 
Dear Adam, 
 
Your question couldn’t have come at a better time, since the Ask Boz Food Anthropology Institute has just finished a ten-year study on this very issue. 

First, our researchers split the question in two, seeing there are two distinct species of taco: the hard shell and the soft shell. Then we matched each in a fight against the grilled cheese. Here is what we found: 

  • Hard Shell (Duro Putamine) vs. Grilled Cheese (Rhoncus Caseus) 
    Because these two species don’t exist together in the wild, our experiments were conducted in controlled environments. 
     
    The results were consistently and sadly predictable. The hard-shelled taco proved extremely vulnerable to even the softest blow from the grilled cheese. The smallest crack in the shell would expand to deadly proportions the next time the taco made the slightest offensive move. 
     
    One grilled cheese could take on as many as twelve hard tacos at a time without a problem. Although one taco would bravely expose itself as a target while the others surrounded the grilled cheese and beat on it, the grilled cheese was so durable that it could withstand multiple attacks while patiently cracking shell. 
     
    You see, a grilled cheese easily absorbs punches, and even when stretched out maintains its basic integrity. 
     
    In fact, this experiment had to be suspended when the grilled cheese refused to continue fighting. They are a very empathic sandwich. Even then, the meat grease would make the shell all soggy and it would fall apart on its own. 
     
    Winner: Grilled cheese 

Tomorrow: Soft-Shell Taco vs. Grilled Cheese

Ask Boz – Soup or Salad?

/ boz bozeman / Leave a comment

Dear Ask Boz,

Soup or salad?

Considered only second to “Chicken or the egg”, this question has been pondered through the centuries. Here’s just a sampling: 

Most people believe that the ancient Chinese yin and yang symbol represents the flow of opposites merging and seperating in a constant spinning dance of harmony. This is true, but what is under-reported is that originally it was about the flow of soup becoming salad, and then salad returning to soup. So to the Chinese, the answer to your question would be “Yes.” 

Shakespeare wrestled with this question in his little known play “Hamlet 2 – Zombie Ophelia”. Here is an excerpt from a soliloquy:  

To slurp or chew
That is the question 
Whether ‘tis healthier in the mouth to sip 
The broth and marrow of hearty soup 
Or to take a fork to a sea of vegetables 
And by chewing, eat them. 

It goes on. I mean, it’s Shakespeare. I’m pretty sure he comes down on the soup side, but it’s open to interpretation. 

Centuries later, controversial philosopher Friedrich Nietzche made his choice very clear: “There is no soup.”  

For me, though, I’m going with salad. Like the one Patty makes with the veggies, of course, but also some MEAT and CHEESE!!! Nom nom nom! 

Yours,

Boz

Dear Ask Boz

/ boz bozeman / Leave a comment

Did Queen Elizabeth really have 6 fingers? 
 – Ruby Reagan 
 
Dear Ruby, 
Well, of course, silly. All two and three-handed people have six fingers. Some have even more! Isn’t that kinda obvious? I mean … 

Wait, is this some sorta trick? Is there something I’m missing? Ohhhhhhhhh! Now I’m doubting myself … I hate this. Maybe I’m no good at answering questions. Who am I, anyways, to think I have all the answers? I’m soo worthless…. 

Continue reading →

Ask Boz: Top 2 Interview Questions

/ boz bozeman / Leave a comment

Dear Ask Boz,

I am doing a significant amount of hiring new people at work. What two questions do you feel are most impactful in understanding a person in an interview?  

Thanks, Andy 

Great timing on this question, Andy. Workers have their choice of so many jobs now, so getting the right fit for your company is harder than ever. That’s why I would skip the classics like “What’s your biggest weakness?” or “Why do you want to work here?” The interviewee is totally prepared for those questions. If you really want to find out that they have what it takes, there is only one solution: confuse them. The way to do this? Ask questions that don’t make sense.  

Continue reading →

Ask Boz: What’s my lumberjack name?

/ boz bozeman / Leave a comment

Dear Ask Boz, 

I just got a chainsaw! What should my lumberjack name be? 

Brad 

Congratulations on your purchase! Of course, just having a chain saw and cutting down some trees doesn’t make you a lumberjack. To truly join that craft, you have to hate trees. Loathe them. Wish they had organs so you could defenestrate them. And knowing you Brad, I think you have the right amount of rage to take down a forest!  

So, if you’re committed, you can’t an average name like “Schmitty” or “Lefty” or “Old Stumpy”. Nope, you need a name that shows your rage at trees. And the best ones are in the language of anger: Ancient Norse.

Continue reading →

From Tao of Thoreau

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This is the first entry in my book. You will see that the left side has a quote from Thoreau, and the right hand side explains the connection of his ideas to Taoism. It also talks of a Seeker, a person looking to live a meaningful, balanced and creative life.

Thoreau  

I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived. 

I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow out of life, to live so sturdily as to put to rout all that was not life, to cut a broad swath and shave close, to drive life into a corner, and reduce it to its lowest terms, and, if it proved to be mean, why then to get the whole and genuine meanness of it. Or if it were sublime, to know it by experience, and be able to give a true account of it.

Tao 

Thoreau begins his quest by radically simplifying his world. Moving to a cabin in the woods enables him to identify distractions and illusions. Being alone helps him strip his life down to find out what is important and true in the hopes of discovering a path that has meaning and value. 

Realistically, most of us cannot separate from society. Still, Thoreau teaches the Seeker to identify parts of life that drain our energy, hold us back, and trip us up. 

This is what he means by fronting “the essential facts of life.” What is truly important? What desires are part of my path, and which pull me away from it?  Thoreau and Taoism propose a radical freedom from distracting and destructive thinking, mindsets and actions.

I would love to hear what you think about these ideas! Leave a comment.

Avoid the Beginning of Evil

/ boz bozeman / 2 Comments

When I decided to launch this website, Henry David Thoreau had a talk with me. He reminded me of a time he had three pieces of limestone on his desk, and became “terrified” when he realized he had to dust them every day, so he “threw them out the window in disgust.” 

His punch line was: “It’s best to avoid the beginning of evil.” 

Thoreau is showing his sense of humor with some hyperbole, but his point is strong: consider the new objects and projects that you take on carefully, and think about the amount of work involved in maintaining them. 

Metaphorically, Thoreau’s limestone represents any task or duty that demands our attention and work. As I say in Tao of Thoreau, when we start something new, we need to be “ready to bring the energy and focus required.” I thought about this a lot as I designed bozbozeman.com. 

I’m launching this site at the end of the school year, which can be a stressful and exhausting time. For this blog to succeed, I need to produce and post content so people who like it will keep coming back. I need to find creative ways to promote it so that it grows. This is a lot of work; moreover, it is work that I will have to sustain for a long time for this site to become successful.  

Then I realized something, so I said this back to Thoreau: “The limestone was decoration. You didn’t want to waste your time on something you didn’t have to. Writing is something I want to do. And with a website, other people can read my work, which has always been my goal.” 

I didn’t see Lao-Tzu there until he said, “That’s right.” I looked at him, and he spoke in that calm voice, echoing with centuries of wisdom: “Do you work and step back. The only path to serenity.”

Thoreau didn’t have anything to say to that, so I guess I have avoided the beginning of evil.