I just got a chainsaw! What should my lumberjack name be?
Brad
Congratulations on your purchase! Of course, just having a chain saw and cutting down some trees doesn’t make you a lumberjack. To truly join that craft, you have to hate trees. Loathe them. Wish they had organs so you could defenestrate them. And knowing you Brad, I think you have the right amount of rage to take down a forest!
So, if you’re committed, you can’t an average name like “Schmitty” or “Lefty” or “Old Stumpy”. Nope, you need a name that shows your rage at trees. And the best ones are in the language of anger: Ancient Norse.
You probably are thinking of Sally, Charlie’s well-known sister. But what you don’t know is that there is another: Charlene Brown.
Charlie Brown’s father tried to hide it, but his son was a terrible disappointment to him. He never knew a young person could be so anxious and so bad a everything. It was clear right away that Charlie was destined to be a failure. And his father felt helpless to do anything about it.
Until he came upon the obvious solution: start a second family. Mr. Brown created the identity “Johnny Teal”, and found a woman on the internet. Soon they were married, and his secret wife gave birth to a girl. They named her Charlene, and they raised her to be the exact opposite of the half-brother she would never know.
Charlene excelled at everything Charlie failed at. She became a feared hitter in baseball, and a fearsome pitcher. She was dominant in her relationship with her peers, and they respected her to the utmost, while craving her attention and approval. And as far as successfully kicking a football, well, we’ll let this excerpt from Charlene Brown, the first nine years tell that story:
Charlene takes two steps back and one to her left. Her friend Lou von Furr calmly places the football on the ground, puts his finger on the puckered tip of the ball, and turns the laces away. Her eyes raise to the target, then drop to the ball. Charlene Brown stutter steps, planting her left foot as her right leg swings back. Her foot punches through the ball, and her legs scissor up as air explodes from her mouth. She lands, slightly bent, so she is the same height as Lou coming up from his crouch. They end up with arms around each other as, perfect again, the ball flips high through the uprights.
From the sideline, Charlene’s father, pride shining on his face, can’t contain his excitement, exclaiming, “Whhoomp wooowhomp waaaaaahh wont want woooooooh!”
All of Mr. Brown’s hopes for the future are focused on his secret daughter. He knows that Charlie will live at home forever, claiming to be a competitive esports gamer while leaching off his parents. Charlene promises the possibility of success and riches, or at least not endless disappointment.
Ah, the mysterious black helicopter. I’m sure you are expecting me say that it’s the government spying on you. Do they want to know what you watch on Netflix, or why you chose Olive Garden over Chilis?
No! In fact, black helicopters have nothing to do with the government. They are actually the vehicle of choice for the modern angel. They no longer fly around with white robes and wings. Angels are surprisingly modern and fashion conscious, and robes and wings are sooooo Renaissance. Black helicopters are totally edgy and cool, and they give your average angel the kind of powers once reserved for Archangels like Gabriel, Michael, and Gandalf. These powers include, but aren’t limited to:
Some, but not all, guinea pigs are edible. As a start, the Idiots Guide to Eating Guinea Pigs is a useful resource. However, if you are impatient, here are a few ways to tell if an individual guinea pig is edible.
You should eat a guinea pig if:
You stumble upon a guinea pig that has been cooked and prepared with a nice side of vegetables.
The guinea pig is wearing an “eat me” shirt. These are usually alienated guinea pigs, freshly out of a Masters of Fine Arts program, trying to ironically attack the prevailing paradigm. Thus, the best thing to do to them is to eat them, thereby unironically ridding the world of a sullen and over-thinking “jerk pig.” However, never touch a guinea pig wearing a “barely edible” shirt.
The guinea pig is baring its teeth and frothing at the mouth. Rabid guinea pigs are a delicacy in most civilized countries and Canada.
Hope this helps! Don’t sue me if you actually follow this advice; sue yourself!
Boz Bozeman 